jd....

Mm, Jack daniels out of the bottle. Given up on bothering with glasses. Yeah..

eyes

i cant see the screen,,, well, now I can see the screen, but not the tect on facebooks whute clare backrgound...

Awake already?

Right, it took 75 hours to get me actually drunk for about four hours (to the point of missing the bed when I tried toppling into it), and three hours sleep to get me back out. Hey ho. The convention weekend is over, so I guess it's back to the normal one drink every couple of days...

Yeah, been a weird weekend - Eastercon, Redemption Committee meal, and (the main thing) getting triggered to tears about several different things in a random tumble starting from Saturday's Dr Who. Boo-rah.

And although I didn't get any writing done yesterday, I did get paperwork done (of the making sure I get paid correctly variety), so that's sort of work, right?

So, I'll crash from lack of sleep later, but otherwise awake and it's back to the salt mines...

Aw fuck fuckfuck

WFuck

Eris is gone. Eris...

Fuck fuck

I just chatted with her on Friday and she's gone on sunday

fuck

Thought I'd saved her

fuck

Slightly less broken now?

Slightly.

I think I'm coming to terms with what's happened with Eris. Don't know the details of exactly what happened.

I know it's hit me hard because when I saw the LJ note first on Friday, I immediately jumped on FB chat and asked if she was OK. She said it was an old future-dated post that had popped up, and we chatted for a couple of hours. I should have been working, but this was more important.

So we chatted about RPGs, conventions, stuff like that, and she mentioned having been the official photographer for Eastercon 2011. I thought Redemption having an official photographer would be a good idea - and said at the Red committee meeting that this would hopefully giver Eris a reason to keep going for at least the next two years.

That when she was... going.

When I left the conversation I said I was always around to support her.

Then I had to go to Eastercon, and I saw the note pop up again on Saturday afternoon, but could only post a comment saying I hoped this was just the same future-dated thing popping up.

I should have jumped on to another chat, shouldn't I?

If hadn't been away on Saturday night/sunday, or if the damn hotel wifi had worked... Would she still be alive?

I said I'd always be there to listen and chat and I wasn't and now she's dead, and this is really freaking me out - even though I know she had other friends and supporters, but... It's still freaking me out.

Oh, I know how to describe what I feel like

Actually, I've realised *exactly* what I feel like- The Doctor at the end of Waters Of Mars... Except that I already had the season finale regeneration at Redemption, so I don't have to worry about any bloody Ood turning up.