lonemagpie

Failbook sending me mails to remind me that both Zoe and Eris (two accounts for the same person, of course) "celebrate their birthdays this week" doesn't fucking help.

Thank you so much for reminding me she only stuck around for an extra 30 hours or so.

Crossposts: http://lonemagpie.livejournal.com/907824.html

Well

All I *really* want is to not fucking hurt and upset and fail people, and I used to be good at that, but not now. And I don’t fucking know how that switched, or how to not get back to being not a hurtful thing.

And I therefore feel I must be a complete douchebag because I can’t get that right.

As for what will make me feel more immediately better... I've no idea. I can't think of a damn thing that would give me good feels.

This fucking year...

Crossposts: http://lonemagpie.livejournal.com/907741.html

Should have been a good day

But knocked down, fail everybody. I always piss off and upset those I could only ever want to lift and whatever the opposite of upset and piss off is.

If I fucking disappear this blog, well…

Dr Who special?

Seriously, I really don’t give a fuck any more...

Crossposts: http://lonemagpie.livejournal.com/907348.html

I suspect that what I may need to lessen or evade the whirlpool I’m feeling on occasion - and the lack of feeling - is to get back to taekwondo, and ideally have more … excitement, with live steel.

Or maybe that’d be a recipe for disaster… Bloody uncertainty.

Crossposts: http://lonemagpie.livejournal.com/902181.html

I find myself incapable of feeling about something so distant and impersonal as a missing Dr Who episode recovery. Partly it's cos I'm just fed up of the way fandom behaves when there's a whiff of it - anything found will be dismissed as disappointing compared to the novelisation/audio/reconstruction - and partly it's cos I've been around long enough to have heard it all before, but mainly...

Mainly it's because I've lost people this year - friends and family - and what I want back is my friend (the one who's not dead, I just lost the friend and their friendship). I've looked for feelings about whether there'll be any missing DW found; I've looked for hope, or nerves, or excitement, and there isn't anything.

Oh, I can *think* about it, and appreciate there might be cool stuff to see, and it's important for historical archival purposes, but I can't feel anything about it.

I'd take a geeky conversation with my lost friend over all the 106.

If it's time travel you want, I'd burn every episode that *does* exist if it would get me a shot at saving any of those in my life who died this year...

I miss you.

You know who you are.

You'll never see this.

But I had to type it.

This part of October's always a downer for me, and a stressy few weeks of deadlines and moving the mother-in-law and ill Lesley haven't helped.

come and geek out to me about any of those interests we share, the fandoms, the history, any of that...

when I have a sweary go at somebody just because their dog startled me by barking when I was walking in a depressed mood, and they went "I don't need that kind of language" when I told the dog "fuck off, I've got a fucking cat bigger than you and it'll fucking eat you."

Stupid fucker. And I did try to apologise, which is supremely rare for me, but they weren't having it, so I gave them another fucking go. Fuck 'em.

And then I got home and collapsed in tears on the sofa, so it's either manic despression,bipolarity, or the creative personality type. Or a lack of booze/chocolate/caffeine, delete as applicable

since I lost the trust and confidence of, and any contact with, I think pretty much my best friend (apart from Lesley).

Not doing that well. (I mean, third consecutive loss in three consecutive months, after Seven and Eris)

I want my friend back. Just a cheery word. A hello.

I worry about them; I want to help and heal...

Some of you doubtless know my first love died, and even after like 20 years I still cry and get triggered by stuff, and, seriously, this summer is worse.

This is worse

Current Mood: crushed

Most of my online posting is on Facebook now, Tumblr is better for pics and media - and I'm rapidly losing both focus and motivation for there too - and I realise now I only ever really paid that much attention to one LJ over the past few years, and that one...

I mean I try to be upbeat and get round to having stuff to post, about the house stuff and whatever, but I'm finding it increasingly hard to motivate myself to bother. Most of the people who read this blog are on Facebook now instead.

I don't really want to delete the account, cos if I did then no doubt I'd suddenly think of something I really needed to post, but I've really no use for this any more either.

I dunno. Maybe depression time of the month. It's been that kind of a year- seven months in, three friends down, frustrated by an inability to help those I give a shit about, and I have no happy memories from this year so far that are not handcuffed to pain and bad ones.

Dunno whether to even bother online apart from work.

that's all.

It's in months like this that I wonder why none of my deaths stick. Three times and I'm still here. The sooner June is over, the better. Fuck, the sooner 2013 is over, the better.

Well, not *here* online for the next couple of weeks, I suspect - should be losing the net around breakfast time, till possibly the 12th of July. Big fucking whoop.

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
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While on the subject

I don't even know what I want

should have been a good day

Falling still.

Feeling nothing about Missing episodes

I...

just...

One of those black days

A month

Should I even bother with Dreamwidth or LJ any more?

I want my friend back

So, still expecting to lose the net for a couple of weeks

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August 2022

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